😎I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
😎Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
😎I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
😎Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
😎If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer...
😎A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
😎A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
😎Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
😎If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
😎Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.
😎I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
😎I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
😎Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but neither does milk.
😎My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry...
😎Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
😎I'm not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
😎The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.
😎I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as them.
😎I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
😎Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
😎You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
😎The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
😎A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
😎A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
😎I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
😎Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
😎If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.
😎Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
😎If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
😎Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
😎The road to success is always under construction.
😎When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
😎If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
😎If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?
😎Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
😎I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
😎I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
😎Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
😎God created the world, everything else is made in China.
😎Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
😎When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
😎Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
😎I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
😎You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
😎Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
😎You can't have everything, where would you put it?
😎Don't you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some peoples mouths?
😎If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
😎If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
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